Gone Insane

I had my ten week weigh-in  and lost 5 pounds for a total of 50.6 pounds!


I hit the big Five-Oh!  I am all things grateful and amazed and happy.

I also decided to run for my school committee so my mental health has clearly been compromised - as if I don't have enough to do!

I want to thank all my friends, old and new who have supported me and cheered me on these past ten weeks.  I will update more, later on in the week.

Fugly

Today, I started thinking about my own issues with body image.  Not that they haven't been on my mind already - I have been laying in wait as if these issues are going to jump out at me and insert fat into my thighs or something.  Here's a photo for you:

Me, 1981.  I am on the left.  My kind and long suffering friend, Pam, is on the right modeling my dress made out of dryer sheets.  Don't tell her this is up on the blog.

Do I look like I'm overweight?  A fat girl?  I don't think so, at least not now that I'm looking at the photo through my current eyes.  When I looked at myself then, however, I thought I was huge.  I suppose that is body dysmorphic disease, but at the time I thought that everyone looked at me and thought I was fat and ugly.  

I remember being a thin child until I was about five or six.  In my family, you were stuffed until you burst.  'No' was not an option.  Don't want to eat your food, but want to go outside and play?  That's okay, it will be waiting for you when you come back, warming in the oven, and you'd better eat it then if you're going to be a good girl.  Somewhere down the line, food became a comfort, a panacea for my life with a difficult and violent father, and a mother that did not protect me.  There was love in my home, but not understanding.  There was some safety but also the insecurity that comes with the possibility of violence at any moment.  

At some point in my teen years, my mother put me on diet pills, an event which she denies to this day.  They helped me to finally become a normal weight, and have a better life in school, however I was high all the time and barely slept.  Often during the night, I got up and cried in the bathroom, and no one ever knew, to this day.  Now I know that I was suffering from depression.  At the time, I just felt ugly and unloved.

When I was 17, my sister's best friend and I spent the summer going to Gloria Stevens fitness salon.  By the end of the summer we were in great shape, looking very thin and feeling healthy and fabulous.  However, one thing overshadowed this success - the fact that my parents did not want me to join the health club and fought me so hard about actually having a membership ('It's a scam!' they would shout with absolutely no knowledge of it) that I had to pay by the week and sometimes go on the sly.  The real irony came a couple of years later, when my mother joined the health club herself.  I confess to being a little pissed about that.

I gained the majority of my weight being in a bad marriage wherein I felt misunderstood to my very core.  I was so unhappy all I did was eat and I could no longer recognize myself.  I am now in a very healthy relationship with a very understanding and intelligent man (AF) who loves me no matter what I weigh, and could not think of me as ugly if my face were smashed in with a frying pan.   A good relationship is very healing.  So is therapy, which I was in regularly for many years, and now use as a maintenance tool.

I often say to people what Maria the psychologist at the Weight Loss center says in her meetings - This is NOT about five shakes a day.  It is about so much more.  And recognizing that leads to breaking the patterns, which leads to forgiveness and healing.  

Just A Little Tip From Me To You

I complained to the doctor last week that all day I felt gurgly in my stomach.  I felt like my intestines were just gaseous, backed up tubes of bubbling irritation.  I believe you can draw the obvious result of this condition.

Why is it that when one googles 'Farting Dog', photos of the Jonas Brothers appear?

His suggestion was to drink 6 ounces of water before every shake.  I did that and voila... it worked!  I feel significantly less gurgly and more able to be around humans.  I was able to be around dogs and babies because of the obvious blaming opportunities, but now I can add people to the mix.  Phew!

Gobsmacked

That is how I'm feeling... freaking gobsmacked.
Week 9 weigh-in  and I've lost 5.2 pounds for a total of 45.6 pounds!

It's as astounding to me as it is to you.  Dr. Perra said even for this program, I am in the top percentile in weight loss.  It seems to make no sense because I'm 49 and I figured I'd lose weight a little slowly, but the good Dr says there is no indicator regarding how one will do on the program.  I'm just lucky that my body is responding so well.

I have never lost 46 pounds in  my life.  Of course, had I lost that in my twenties or thirties, I would have been 100 or 110 pounds, but... not sure what my point was here.

One of the members followed me out to ask me how I had done, since I have been doing so well, and it felt good to talk about it and to be the subject of some fascination.

In exercise news, I started walking the track with my ten year old (Who runs it, but I'm not ten so I walk fast and just try to keep an eye on her).  Eventually I hope to run it, but not sure my knees will ever give me permission for that.  We started out with a half mile, and we've made a deal together to go every day, with maybe a weekend day off.  Nice to have a good partner in crime.

I confess to struggling this weekend - many times at the end of the day I would feel sad, and whine to my AF (Adorable Fiance) that 'I waaaant to eaaaat!'.   I have to stress that this is not easy, and as I mentioned, I do have doubts and low moments, but I get through the low points, stay positive and I recommit in the morning.  No one said this was going to be a cake walk.   (Mmmm caaake)

Smellicious

One of the little pleasures I get is smelling food.  My daughters know now that when they are sitting down to eat, that it is good practice to put a forkful of their meal under my nose for just a sec so that I can inhale the wonderful aroma of food.  It doesn't tempt me, just makes me happy.  If they don't do this, I'll just stick my face in their plate, so they have adjusted.  I have trained them well.  I've come a long way from the time that I put my nose in my daughter's face as she ate her meal... 'Seriously, are you doing this right now?', she snarked.

Today I hit a new low - or high as it were.  My mom brought over these little Italian pizzas from a bakery, and I sat for so long with my face in the bag that someone snapped a picture...

I know it's not flattering, I know I have no makeup on, and I look kinda crappy, but it's a moment worth commemorating.

Here is a Love Poem to pizzettes that I found on the internet, by apologies to Konstantin Simonov..

Wait for me, (Dear Pizzettes) and I'll return Only wait very hard Wait when you are filled with (yummy) sorrow... Wait in the sweltering heat Wait when the others have stopped waiting, Forgetting their yesterdays. Wait even when from afar no letters come to you Wait even when others are tired of waiting... And when friends sit around the fire (eating), Drinking (margaritas) to my memory, Wait, (dear pizzettes, wait) and do not hurry to drink to my memory too. Wait. For I'll return,defying every death. And let those who do not wait say that  I was lucky thin. They will never understand that  in the midst of death Optifast You with you waiting saved me. Only you and I know how I survived, (dear pizzettes). It's because you waited, as no one else did.

Week 8 upd8

Week 8 weigh in - Lost 4 pounds for a total of 40.4 pounds lost!


I am feeling so good, but you knew that already.  It is hard to adjust to such quick weight loss.  I feel thinner than I look, but also just got used to last week's weight loss, and here I am smaller again.  It's a surprising feeling, but I am not complaining.  Amazingly, I am averaging 5 pounds per week - go ahead and say WTF, I know you want to.

Time for a recap on my typical day -

Morning is fight-the-constipation time.  I take 2 Colace and a huge tablespoon of sugar free Metamucil. About an hour later I have my usual vanilla shake - Vanilla mix + 1 Equal packet + 9 ounces of Vanilla/Orange Seltzer + 4 Ice Cubes.  I do this four times a day.  Usually at Lunch or Dinner time, I have the 1 Optifast Soup - Tomato or Chicken.  I prefer the Tomato and I add spices to it.

Mostly, I just don't think about the shakes or the soups.  I try to make it a part of my day that is equivalent to fueling up at the gas station.

At some point during the day, I put on my sneakers and do 10-15 minutes or more of a YouTube exercise video.  I am working my way past that rather wimpy time.  I can already feel myself getting stronger.  I don't always do it every day - it depends on whether I am having any aches or pain in my knees, which is significantly less than it used to be, but hey, I'm old.

I had a wonderful reunion with my old RISD friends over the weekend, and we went to a lovely restaurant called Mills Tavern in Providence.  Don't google it, why torture yourself?  As it usually is, my diet was the subject of some conversation.  I sound like a cult member when I'm talking about it, because it has been so life changing for me.  I'm grateful that people pretty much understand and are mostly supportive, but I do get the...'This is the easy part, what happens when you start eating food? That's when you gain it back!' negativity.  Hey, it's a valid question, but I always get the feeling that the person asking wants me to fail.   But nothing can touch me now.  That is the type of attitude that derailed me on other weight loss journeys, but not this one.  Nothing can derail me.  Bring it on jealous bitches, bring it on.  I'll be happy to donate my size 22 pants when I surpass your weight. :DD

Boring Update

Hey there, just my week 7 update - lost a crazy EIGHT pounds for a total of 36.4!


I am so thrilled, of course.  I guess the exercise worked this week!  And I really only did about 15 minutes three times.  Still maintaining on the Optifast, still missing food, but this makes me so happy I cannot and will not jeopardize it.  Even threw out some pants this week.

I feel so much thinner than I look!  I have a long way to go, but so what - I'll get there.  I feel amazing!

Love to you all and protect the fast!