The Kaiser would want it this way.

Oh I can't  believe I forgot to tell you this... I am a huge believer in rewarding your(my)self for a job well done.  That reward used to come in the shape of a bagel, but now I buy myself a lipstick or something small every week or so just to compensate for my juvenile feelings of occasional deprivation.  Sometimes, I am such a baby.

Anyway, I started to think about how I wanted to reward myself when I hit a major goal, maybe even the goal - haven't decided on that part yet.  But here is my reward.... if I could make this photograph sparkle, you know I would....

Chanel Black Front Patent Leather Quilted White Ankle Boot Knock-off, but so what - Kaiser Karl has enough money. 

Come to Mama, honey... come to Mama...  that's right, Mama loves you, yes she does...

Paar-TAY!

Week 6 weigh-in... y'all ready for this?  4.4 pounds lost for a total of 28.4 pounds!

Dr. Pera said it 'won't be long now' until I hit the 50 pound mark.  He said that most people who enter a weight loss program do not get as far as that milestone.  I have never gotten that far, truth be told.  If I had, I probably would have been one skinny bitch twenty years ago.  At least I got the second part right.

I asked him if he was going to throw a party for me (Did not sound as snarky as it does in print) and he said he would definitely mark the occasion.  Did he mean like with a tattoo or something?  I'm not sure, but I totally do not approve of tattoos so I would discourage him from taking that route.
   
I went to many many restaurants this weekend, and I protected the fast painstakingly.  We travelled to the One Direction concert in NJ and then had dinner in NYC, so we were in hotels and restaurants all weekend.  Aaand I only wanted to throw the Optifast shaker against the wall once, during brunch on Sunday  morning when I could not get my act together to mix it right and you know how once it spills a little it gets all over everything?  It was like that.

Other than that one frustration, I did quite well.  I tipped the Starbucks to make my shake on many occasions, and they obliged kindly.  Only one restaurant (In NYC of course - I lived there for 15 years so I can trash talk it if I want to) refused to make my shake.  Silly Japanese restaurant (Hanae on 1st Avenue that I will never visit again even when I am eating - I am vindictive like that).  I did manage by borrowing their bartender's shaker and doing it myself.  So even the Japanese cannot derail me.  

If I did approve of tattoos, this one would be nice and discreet for Dr. Pera.

Oh Dr Pera, you shouldn't have!

Ba dump ba dump ba dump badump Baaah!

Yesterday's weigh-in was my body evening out... 1 pound for a total of 24.  At least that's what the Dr said - 5 pounds per week average is just so damn good and I'm so damn fabulous that my body is just saying, 'Stop expecting so much of me, you selfish...!'

I'm not at all disappointed, I know this is a marathon, not a sprint, and I am truly grateful for every ounce lost.  Plus, I was a little constipated yesterday, so minus a good dump I'm sure next week will be better... what, I never said I'd act like a lady.

I was told to start exercising this week.  25 minutes per day for three days a week to start.  Ok, but today I thought I'd start slow and use my Step at home.  After trying out a few hard videos, I found one on Youtube... I completely mastered it today - all 9.43 minutes out of the 51.  Hey, a journey of a thousand miles starts with one Step class.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2gBj9VZBQ0&feature=related <--- Jenny Ford Youtube Step Class.

It's a nice beginners step class, and I think I can stick with it.  I will endeavor to complete all 51 minutes - I will notify you via this medium when that occurs.

I'd like to freaking eat already.

Yes, I'd like to eat.  I'm in my fifth week, and I would never cheat, and I'm still doing well, and I'm committed to this, but I would like to eat something.  I would say that my prevailing feeling right now is just confusion.  I am surrounded by food, feeding my family, and sometimes I really enjoy just being around the food, and other times, like right the hell now, I would sell you something if you gave me a tomato and I also had permission to eat it.  Something like my cat, even.  I'm sure you'd treat her well.

Hopefully tomorrow's weigh-in is going to be a good one, but today I'm feeling kinda miserable.  I'm kinda gassy (Yes, I'm taking the fiber) and that's fun for everyone of course, but I'm also feeling bored and am having to aggressively remind myself that I am far from my goal, and need to focus on that and not on my feeling deprived.  I'm trying... I really am.

Bad Burrito

Weighed in last night and lost 4 pounds for the week, for a total of....drumroll..... 23 pounds!!

I am so thrilled!  It is like a little gift every week!  Also, the doctor was a woman I had never met before, and she was so encouraging.  We talked about my week, and when I finished she said she could tell that I am very motivated and will reach my goal.  She said she has been doing this for years and can tell that I am not a 'cheater'.  Hell, yeah!  There is no way I would cheat on this program.  And it's not like I don't think about it, because I do, oh I dooo!!  But I want that little gift of weight loss so much more than I want a bite of my daughter's scrumptious, if evil, burrito.  This guy looks very mean, no?

I got him off of some other guy's blog, I don't have the artists' name to credit, sorry.  

I'll be here, accepting complements and tributes to my awesomeness all week!  Feel free to bring the love. Maybe I'll find an avenging Tomato or Avocado to be this guy's nemesis.  

Best Day

Today the family courts chewed me up, spit me out, rinse and repeat.  I am facing a major litigation now, something that once caused me to gain a lot of weight.  That is not going to happen this time.  Here is a very uplifting text that my friend sent me today, when Applebee's was on my mind...

"Stay above the bullshit, and don't let anyone push you into self doubt.  
Use the depression you have right now and turn it into righteous anger!  
Don't victimize yourself.  
There are enough assholes out there attacking you without doing the same.  
You must protect yourself"

Now if that is not a fabulously supportive text, then I don't know what is.  Just the right amount of cursing and therapeutic advice!  I love this guy.  And I took his advice and did not go get 'Carside To Go', as I so desperately wanted to do!  (mmmm... nachos)

I'm proud of myself for seeking out help and I'm once again reminded about what a wonderful support system I have.  

So even though my eyes are nearly swollen shut from crying, and I am feeling a bit steamrolled by the bullies, I am ready to wake up tomorrow, face the day and not just persevere, but fight to the death!  Hulk Smash, motherfuckers!!

Salt Monster

I want to eat something so badly.  I just got back from my lawyer and my ex has decided to declare himself  insane.  Not really, but might as well have... any time his life is going badly, he finds some way to mess with me.  Poor baby.

I will be honest and say that nothing would calm me down more right now than a nice Reuben sandwich or a bowl of potato chips.  But I'm not going to let that loser derail me.  Instead, I'm redirecting my energies and going to write some letters to a former student to attempt to inspire her to stay in school.  Nothing like giving to someone else to get you out of your own pity party!

Just had the Optifast tomato soup - food. of. the. gods.  Deeee-Lish!  Hello, Salt...have you been thinking about me like I've been thinking about you??

Hulk SMASH!

Went to see the Avengers movie... so fun and funny and raucous and best superhero movie everrr!  Go see it!

Oh, and I lost 5 pounds for a total of 19!!!!!  And I was given the gift of soups this week... ahhh so grateful for a little broth... please sir, can I have some more?

Protect the fast!   ARRGHGHGHEHJHRHTHFHRRRR!

ARRGHGHGHEHJHRHTHFHRRRR!

Nostalgia is a bitch

I keep thinking how a few weeks ago I would sit down with a bowl of chips and watch Celebrity Apprentice.  I would be happy as a pig in youknowwhat.  But then be sick to my stomach afterward.  I miss it, tho, if I am to be completely honest.

Everyone keeps asking me, as my fab cousin Tom did today, 'How are you doing it??'  I put two question marks there on purpose - because the question is asked with marked incredulity.  How am I not eating?

The answer is I'm not really sure, and that gives me anxiety.  I think I'm not eating because most of the time I feel full, with the exception of right now when my hunger is clawing at the inside of my stomach.  That is what hunger feels like to me.  I"m drinking water to help but I really need to get more sugar free gum or some handcuffs or sumthin.

I tell everyone who asks that everyone on Optifast says that the hunger mostly goes away after a week or so.  It has been three weeks for me and it has not really gone away.  I think that most of the time I just miss the food, but I am hungry, too.  I wonder if everyone else is just a well-meaning liar (Like when they say natural childbirth doesn't hurt) or what.

I think that once you invest time into the program, and start to see results, like I have, it just starts to perpetuate itself.  I want that weight loss tomorrow like I want life itself.  Today I felt great, walking around doing errands, and I want more of that.  More more more.

That's the best answer I can come up with, for now.

I know I can't go back to eating the way I did, and I'm kinda mourning that I guess.  Seems reasonable to me.  I can accept this.  Weigh-in tomorrow!

Top Seven List

Made some ribs for the family last night... that was the most painful event in a long time - watching them eat those heavenly things!  Of course I protected the fast, and when I woke up this morning, I felt so light! Made me want to start this list:

Top Ten Things that are better than eating baby back ribs with barbecue sauce:

1. Waking up in the morning and feeling lighter and thinner.
2. Being able to put on the pretty sandals that you could not wear last summer.
3. Walking through the grocery store without your back hurting (too much).
4. Not coughing all day or at all.
5. Feeling in control.
6. Being told by your AF that you look thinner.
7. Running down the stairs in wedge sandals.
8. Feeling in control (It warrants two spots)

It's a work in process, I'll update this post as I go along.

Protect the fast, my loves! (mmm, loaves... bread...mmmmm)

sweet SIDE.

Had to share the fab little note my talented 10 year old put on the refrigerator for me...If you can't tell, that is a motivational sketch of me, thinner, with the words, 'Don't EAT - Juice boxes ONLY!'

It is pretty funny that I'm subsisting on juice boxes.  I think at least according to Ava's sketch, that I'm going to be pretty svelte in a couple of months!   I'm gong to have to look for that top and jeans so that I can take a similar photo.

Boob Job

Week 2 WEIGH-IN....drumroll please....  6.2 pounds for a total of 14 Pounds!!!


I just read somewhere that that is the average size of D-Cup breasts.  I have so much useless knowledge in my head, but today it came in handy.

I had a stressful day with family stresses, and I handled it by calling a friend and not by breaking my fast.  I consider that nearly as big a triumph as the weight loss.

I had the new leader tonight, too, and a new meeting.  There were so many more people and the leader had lots of energy.  I could complain about the rather rote subject matters, since I've heard it all before in Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig... etc etc ad-nauseum.  (I had no idea that was a hyphenated word until spell check told me just now)  However, the group did get into some decent discussions, mostly initiated by me, because I'm very curious about everyone else's experience, and how they are handling cooking for their families.  We had some good laughs and I think for now I'm going to stick with this group.

I could not be happier, and I just wanted to share it with you, Dear Reader!

Protect the fast, dolls!