Wedgie!

I was late getting ready to pick up my daughter after school.  I changed, slipped into my new wedgie sandals, and ran down the stairs before I realized... I. Am. Running. Down. The. Stairs.... and in 2" wedges no less!

Those are my rhinestone wedges, aren't they cute??

I feel much thinner than I look!  In my mind I am a size 8 already.  I am not coughing, my foot is no longer swollen, and I am moving around like I've lost fifty pounds, not a mere 8.  (Okay, I'm rounding up)

Less than two weeks ago I was coughing like a mad man, really only wore sneakers or these ugly Payless black shoes that could stretch over my swollen foot... I almost hesitate to tell this to anyone because I feel like no one will believe me, but it's an amazing transformation already.  I only wish I had the go ahead to exercise, but I think I can increase my moving around a bit.  Don't tell anyone.

Two of my friends commented on this today - both said that they had not heard me sound so good in a long time.  I just need to think of this when I am feeling tired or bored or hungry on the program.

Today is a good day and I'm looking forward to my (Early - it's only been six days) weigh-in tomorrow.

Wish me luck!

Protect the fast, peeps! :)))

Pusher

Today I made my daughter oatmeal for breakfast, egg salad for lunch, and a farfalle/meat/ricotta cheese concoction for dinner.  In addition to that, I made blueberry 'bread', although calling it bread is like calling Haagen Daz ice cream an Optifast shake.

Why, Dear Reader, do I torture myself so?

I did not have to do any of it.  I could have let my adorable fiancé (AF from now on, I'm lazy) make all the meals, he would have been happy to help.

I think I'm drawn to the food - I like to look at it and to handle it.  My one faux pas during the entire day was kind of licking mayo off my finger until I realized my mistake, and wiped my tongue with a paper towel.  LOL.  I am pathetic.

Just like an addict, food gets me high.  Let's think of it this way - I'm like a drug addict who is in Rehab but insists on cooking the Meth.  Like a recovering alcoholic who mixes drinks.  Like a reformed hooker who... never mind.

Maybe I've become a food pusher instead of a food addict?  If so, you will need to call me 'Nanny', because my own personal pusher was my grandmother.  Food for thought, no pun intended.

Also, my entire family is eating less, which is interesting in so many ways - it shows me that I am a much bigger influence on my children and AF than I had ever imagined.  Hard to turn away from that kind of responsibility when it is realized.

Protect the fast, people!

Gangsta

Had my usual Friday morning 'date' with my fabulous cousin, Tom (We are both fabulous, in case you were wondering).  Met at 10:30 at the beyond-delicious-bakery, Seven Stars in Providence.  If you are a smart, you will not click on the link.  Oh lord the bread there is divine.


di·vine/diˈvīne

Adjective:

Of, from, or like God or a god.

If you think I'm exaggerating, you have clearly not eaten there.  Anyway, I went in, and standing right next to the sticky buns as casually as you please, I ordered plain iced tea with lemon.  I did not even glance at the cookies, breads, and evil pastries that were so prettily displayed.  I don't even think they tapped me on the shoulder as they are wont to do.  The tea tasted lovely.

I spent an hour there without a care in the world, thank you very much.

And if that is not enough of a triumph, tonight my adorable fiancé and I had a whole two hours without children, and we went to Spain restaurant, which is yummy and has a great bar, and I did not drink liquor nor was I tempted to.  He had a margarita at the bar and I drank a diet coke, which I almost didn't even care to drink and which I will probably not order again.  I could have ordered water and been as happy with it.

Something is happening.  I suppose I have entered ketosis and am in the fast, but also I think that my tastes are changing.  I think (hope)  I am learning to taste things differently, and will be able to eat cleaner, more healthfully, and more organically when food makes it's inevitable reappearance into my life.  This is all about putting food in it's rightful place, which I have said before is one of my goals.

Two restaurants in one day.   And I stuck to my fast and I'm feeling pretty triumphant right now.  Of course, pride goes before a fall, and I am always remembering that I am only human, but I feel pretty gangsta right now.

1. Urban Dictionary: gangsta

   www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=gangsta

   A sociopathic member of the inner-city underclass, known primarily for being antisocial and uneducated. Also known for ready access to illegal drug..
2. Ok, maybe that's the wrong word.  You know what I mean.

By the way, I put my name in the gangsta name generator, and here is what came up, I kid you not:  White African.  I'll leave you to ponder that one.  I'm not touching it.

Lost Cat

Fabulous news - My first weigh in and I lost 7.8 pounds!!!!  I was so happy and on a big high, texting all my friends and family!!!

Unfortunately, I then went to the meeting, which was the worst meeting I have ever experienced (Comparing it to other weight loss meetings, since this is my first Optifast meeting).  Last week the other members had told me the leader was a snooze... that turned out to be an enormous understatement!  He literally sucked the energy out of the room.  He droned on with no passion or excitement.  It was one hour of sheer torture.  I enjoyed the other members, but every time the conversation steered back to him, it died an immediate death.  After the meeting, I wanted to eat an entire bag of potato chips, that is how unmotivated I felt.  I had so many little triumphs during the week that I was dying to share, and I did get to speak a bit, but the reaction from the leader was like rain on my parade (To put it kindly - I really want to call it something else).

No problem, though - the new me handles things immediately and does not let them fester to then pop up as something much bigger and lead to my going off the fast.  The new me protects the fast!


So I signed up for a new meeting, which means that next week I will only have a six day fast until my new weigh in.  That's okay, tho, I'll adjust because I am prepared that next week may not be as a big a weight loss anyway.

Today was a stressful day - I had to deal with some school, family, and friend issues.  Actually it was one of those days when the issues just keep on piling up!  And I handled them all well.  I'm very proud of the fact that I did not once turn to food, which I certainly would have done in the past.

My cat, LC, weighs 8 pounds.  I lost an entire cat this week!!

Dang, there's a typo on LC's thought balloon... if you knew her that would make so much sense.

Pizza Love

fet·ish

   [fet-ish, fee-tish]  Show IPA

noun

1.

an object regarded with awe as being the embodiment or habitation of a potent spirit or as having magical potency.

2.

any object, idea, etc., eliciting unquestioning reverence,respect, or devotion: to make a fetish of high grades.

3.

Psychology . any object or non-genital part of the body thatcauses a habitual erotic response or fixation.

I am obsessed lately with this word.  I have been thinking that I have come to fetishize food.  I think that may be true of the entire multi-billion dollar diet culture.  I have also been thinking a lot about food issues as they correlate to alcoholism or drug addiction.  I am not an alcoholic but I have known a few, and I think we are cousins of a sort.  

The first time I saw '28 Days', a movie starring Sandra Bullock, about a drug addict, I thought to myself, 'That's me'.  Substitute food for drugs in that scenario and my current liquid fast is my own personal rehab.

I now realize that one of my goals is to take away the 'magical potency' of food and put it in it's rightful place.  

Tonight I made dinner for the first time in the six days since i have started the fast.  I made pizza and broccoli for my two daughters.  I actually really enjoyed touching the food, and just being around it, though I admit to being a little anxious.  I had to be aware of not putting anything in my mouth, not the bit of cheese left on the counter, not the sauce that got on my finger, not even the remnants of the awesomely beautiful broccoli that stuck to the pan.  And I did a good job of it.  

As I served my daughters their dinner, I bent down to the table, put my chin in my hands and stared at the pizza.  I then picked up the entire plate of pizza,and while the cheese made a lovely mound of liquid yumminess in the center, I held it close to my nose, inhaling deeply.  My oldest said, 'Are you seriously doing that?'.  'Don't judge me', I said, as it's toasty aroma of cheesy goodness took me to a special place of blissful happiness with sunlight and roses and unicorns and...  And this is what i'm talking about, Dear Reader.  I love food, and it definitely elicits an unhealthy reverence in my life.  I am a fetishist.  Look it up, people.  Sorry, unrequited love makes me cranky.

Eat Less, Live Longer

This was Homer's fortune cookie tonight.  I think the spirit world is speaking to me through the Simpsons.  That's cool, at least they know where to find me.

Had a tough day today, but not because of the Optifast program and the fact that I cannot eat for many months to come.  There was a mixup with the Cardiologist, and I apparently arrived an hour after my actual appointment (According to them, tho I disagree).  Even though there was no one in the waiting room, and I offered to stay as long as necessary to see the Dr, I was not allowed to stay.  I felt like it was unfair since there were mistakes on both sides, both mine and theirs... long story.

Anyway, that sent me into an emotional tailspin.  I stood there and told them that it was not fair to punish me for this, spun on my heel and walked out the door.  But tears erupted immediately and I was crying like a baby the whole way out of the office, in the elevator, and waiting for the valet.  I put on my sunglasses, but the tears just kept coming and coming, in the car, on the highway, then at my house.  I think I was crying about many things - my friend's recent death, the never-ending troubles with my ex, my worries about my health, and also just out of general frustration.  I toyed with the idea of sitting in a parking lot and just crying it out, I did not want to be around anyone or see anyone, but in the end I went home.

Aah, but here's the rub - I got home and wanted so badly to eat!!  I wanted to use food to make me happy/satisfied/tranquilized/comforted/whole.  Dear Reader I did not indulge, but man did I want to!!  Thankfully, my fiancé, my children and my mother were there to hug me and listen to me.  Once again, asking for help is my salvation.

Day 5 is almost in the bag.

Feeling Stronger

Day 4 and I'm feeling stronger.

Had a dream last night where I was standing at the sink with my mother, and talking to her as we cleaned up some dishes.  As we spoke, I started to put whipped cream on a peeled banana and eat it (Gee, what would Freud say to that?) and suddenly realized with horror what I was doing- and proceeded to spit it out, saying, 'I'm fasting!'.  Made me feel more than ever that I want to 'protect the fast', like the nutritionist had told us to do.  I'm good at protecting things - cats, kids - so that appeals to me.

I ordered a rubber bracelet for myself that says 'Protect The Fast'.  I like the idea of wearing that as a talisman/reminder:  You can get one too at wristbandswithamessage.com

I'm leaning towards just drinking the shakes straight, and without the syrups, etc.  The nutritionist definitely got me thinking when she said to stay away from flavors like that and also from flavored diet drinks.  She said that recent studies show that it actually increases hunger and creates an expectation in the brain that sugar is coming, so therefore it is bad in the long run.

We'll see how long that lasts - I am leaving open the possibility that I will become so bored with this that I will have to add the flavors.   At least that option is open to me.

Wishing peace to all!

Maintaining

The most I can say for myself right now is that I am maintaining.

maintainingpresent participle of main·tain (Verb)

Verb:

Cause or enable (a condition or state of affairs) to continue: "maintain close links between industry and schools". Keep (something) at the same level or rate: "prices will have to be maintained".

I have taken the advice of the many supportive online Optifast angels, and I have gotten the sugar free gum, which does help a bit.  It's only five calories for two pieces, and we are allowed fifty calories a day for things like that, so I'm doing okay.

I feel as if I am just a drinking and peeing machine.   I am just pushing the fluids.

I do have good news, tho - my nearly constant coughing is now GONE and my seemingly constantly swollen left foot is about 85% better.  I am grateful for this.  

It seems like now that we can't all go out to dinner, we have nothing to do and almost everyone is eating less, which is kinda funny.   We're going to work on a puzzle later.  These are exciting times.

Low Point

I feel like crying right now.  I miss food.  I can't believe I'm going to do this for six months.  What the hell is wrong with me for starting this?  I know, don't answer.... I know.

Lovely people on the Optifast FB page have told me that I'm not in Ketosis yet so I'm still hungry and that will go away.

Hurry, Ketosis, hurry.

I Survived: One Day Down

So it turns out that I need to take this minute by minute, not just day to day.  I doubt that I have been truly hungry at any time within the last three years, but today I made up for all that - I spent the day pretty much feeling hungry on and off all day.

I started out with the aforementioned coffee and vanilla shake mix... dear God that was disgusting.  Then moved on to the ready made chocolate... barely kept that down.  Then to the vanilla mix on it's own with water... I am now both nauseous and feel like viscous fluid is clogging my esophagus.  I don't like to feel my esophagus.  I'd rather be blissfully unaware of it.

Then, to my surprise, I blended strawberry mix with water and ice.. and we have a winner!  Who would have thought that strawberry, the red-headed step child of flavors,  would be the one for me?  I find it so much more subtle a taste, almost just like flavored water.  And I love to chew crushed ice (I read once that it's due to anemia, which I have), so it was as perfect as it can get for me.  I had another strawberry special later on, and that makes five shakes.  Dear Reader, I could not down another shake.  Please don't tell anyone and please gods of weight loss, please allow me not to suffer for it.  I did do my damnedest to take in the requisite 64 ounces of water with a small bit of diet coke in the mix.  I'm a world class water drinker, so it was not hard for me.  

I could not face cooking for my family, but I had my angelic fiancé here to cook and feed my two daughters, who are 10 and 14.  Also, they helped him clean up because I was afraid that I would end up licking the plates.  I really was hungry and tried to keep myself busy, but not busy enough.  I went on a few errands, but my physical limitations are still keeping me from doing what I would like to do, so I don't feel like I have a lot of options.  I nearly skipped out on dinner and went to the movies, but I muddled through.  The smell of homemade mashed potatoes was like a siren call, but one that I resisted.  Yay for me!

I do feel a little bit discouraged that it was such a hard day, but everyone tells me the hunger mostly goes away after three days, and that it does get easier.  My best Optifast friend, Joe, and I texted a lot today.  I really thank God for his support and constant encouragement and funny texts that helped me get through this day.  I am really relying on people like I don't usually like to do and it is very humbling and I feel guilty and yet I could not do it without them.  I also feel an obligation to not let them down.  

I  said in the beginning of this blog that I would probably uncover things about myself, and I think that I have just found out one reason why I overeat - not asking for help when I need it is not healthy for me.  I have no choice now so there you have it.  Cured by necessity.

I have survived day ONE.  And I'm proud of myself.  

A History of My Fat

Me relatively now - This was four months ago in December.  I don't recognize this person, to be honest.  To be fair, my hair is wet here, which doesn't help, but still...

Me, 1984 at my Senior Ball in college.  I thought I was chubby then.  But, recently we found this dress and my slim 14 year old daughter could not even zip it up, it was so tiny!  I am/was messed up.

Me in about 1983.  Once again, thought I was huge.  Maybe a little junk in the trunk, which will always just be me, however there was no JLo back in the day and it seemed nearly illegal to have a booty like that.

Traveling thru Europe for work, about 1989.  Wearing big jackets to cover up my butt.  But I felt pretty good by then.

At a friend's wedding, about 1990.  I was pretty happy with this weight, but I was constantly dieting and exercising.

At an event, 2009.  I am fatter than this now.  I still looked kinda cute here, tho.  This is gone, however.  

This was about 2007.  This is my short term goal.  To get back to this.  I am going to be freaking gorgeous, dear reader.  Mark my mother fucking words.  Gorgeous.  Capital G.

...And it begins!!

After going to the Psych eval yesterday, the nice Psychologist told me I could start any time I wanted.  'NOW!', I practically screamed.  At least in my head.  I was told I could go to the 4PM meeting, so I signed up.

Spent the rest of the day eating a bagel, and not feeling too anxious at all.  When I went back, I was weighed (And comforted by the fact that I will never see that number again) and met with a different doctor than before.  She told me my blood work was not great - I am pre diabetic and I am anemic, which I knew but hoped it had gotten better, which it has not.  She said I could potentially be on the full fast (All drinks) for 28 weeks.  Wow, did not know that was an option - there is some conflicting info going around in that organization, which is not really a criticism, it's typical of all organizations of that type - big and spread out.

I was told to go buy the product at the front of the office, and since I don't know what flavor or type (Powder or ready made) I would like, I actually took out a pencil and broke it down evenly between all types of flavors and consistencies - 42 shakes per week.  I have been assigned Six shakes per day.  Six a day means you are really fat.

I went to the meeting right after I bought the shakes, which came to about $106. for a week's supply.

Okay now the meeting - better than I had anticipated, definitely.  I was only one of four people there.  And they told me that the leader is 'a snooze', which I can tell you will not be tolerated - if that proves to be true, I will definitely leave or try to improve it on my own.  To me, the leader is the key.  The one time I did very well in Weight Watchers, was the one time that the leader was an amazing lady who was funny, smart, and very honest.  Wish I could employ her in my home full time.  But the usual leader did not show up so we had the nutritionist instead, who was very interesting and basically told us to cut the shit and stop drinking crap and stop thinking about food so damn much.  No, she was nicer than that but that is the message I took away from her.

The three people in the meeting were helpful.  I found myself suddenly sitting there with an unexpected emotion - unmitigated FEAR - I was suddenly just extremely scared, wondering what I had signed myself up for.   But the meeting members were very calm and reassuring.  They told me that I must take the fiber, because by about a month into the program, I will never poop again, basically.  Pooping, it seems, will become as vague a memory as the taste of Utz potato chips.  I promised to get the Metamucil.  Also, they said that this is the, um, 'fun' part.  My mouth dropped open - how can this be fun?  One woman said it was because of the fact that every week I would be losing weight, and that would motivate me and after a week on the program, I will never feel hungry.  I'm not sure that is the whole truth, but it did calm me down, because looking forward to getting thinner every week is really one of the great joys in life.  I remember that feeling and it surpassed everything as the best feeling and the greatest mood lifter, in the world.  I guess people without a weight problem would not understand that, but if you have never had a weight problem, I doubt you are reading this blog.

I confess that just before the meeting began, I texted my mother, my fiancé, my sister, and a friend, as follows:  'TELL ME I CAN DO THIS!  I am scared.'  They all sent back very supportive and kind texts.  I will keep them and refer to them as needed.  I think I'm going to have to really ask for support and help when I need it, and not be too proud.

I went home to find my mom and my fiancé there, both eager to hear about my experience and to lend support, which I found very heart warming and made me love them both ten times more.  Then we went out for my very own 'Last Supper', starring myself in the role of  'Jesus'.  I got to get an inkling of what it feels like to be a prisoner on death row - what would I choose for a last meal??  I went with Mexican, and margaritas - since I can't drink for the duration.  After eating a lot, and a little drunk, I went home to drink some water and take an advil before bed.

Woke up this morning feeling motivated.  Missed my 7AM shake time (We are given a schedule with times indicating when to drink a shake) because my kids are on spring break and we are sleeping a little later this week.  I decided to take one of the meeting member's advice and mix a vanilla powder shake with coffee.  Nasty.  Just like dirty dish water.  I clearly have a lot to learn.  I feel okay, tho.  And that's the most I can hope for right now.  Catch ya later.

A Snag and a Start!

So last week I took the stress test and it was positive, which is a negative thing, not a positive thing.  That means something is wrong.  The 'blip' seems to have been during my recovery phase, not while I was exercising, so my lovely Dr Kaba tells me that is a good thing, that it means we caught something early.  I have two appointments with two Cardiologists next week to figure out what is going on with my heart, if anything.  At first I was worried, but Dr. Kaba, who is Syrian and has a lovely nearly shaved head and a warm manner,  said it could be nothing, so 'we should not worry'.  He's very comforting, besides being dreamy.

Today I went for the Psych evaluation and the woman was very professional and warm, and she asked me a thousand questions about my weight loss history (A long and storied one),  and a million other questions related to my lifestyle past and present.

The best news is, I get to go back today to join a group and I can begin my fast tomorrow!  Yee Ha!  I'm excited and also nervous, as I have been all along.  I just broke up with bagels, a minute ago.  I told the bagel that we had had a long romance but that it needed to end, he just was not good for me.  He would need to go abuse someone else.  He understood.  My ten year old daughter said to me, 'I'll bet he abuses a lot of people'.  Oh so true, Ava, so true.

I must confess, my biggest fear at the moment is that the group will be filled with idiots.  I don't mean to sound superior, but weight watchers groups were often full of people who just liked to hear themselves talk.  I hope the leader, whomever he/she is, will be able to manage the group well.  I'm really looking to bond with like-minded people, I can be very supportive if I don't think you're an idiot.  I really can.

Waiting still...

Ok so I had to wait to be approved by my insurance, and now finally things are moving along.  Had an exercise evaluation last week, which pretty much just entailed taking my measurements, and next week is the stress test, followed the next week by a psych evaluation (Insert joke here), and then finally I can begin.  Seems that I will be on the full fast, shakes only, for about eight weeks, then to the moderate fast that includes bars and one meal... then adding food slowly until I am a skinny bitch on maintenance.  Sounds great to me.

I'm both anxious and excited still.  I feel more disabled by my weight than ever, and more willing to give up food after indulging these last few weeks in anticipation of my fast.  I keep telling my fiancé, 'I am going to be so gorgeous!', to which he smiles and nods sweetly and humorously.  Perfect response.

I am worried about the stress test since walking any distance results in lots of back pain due to my weight.  So, not sure how well I will do, or if I can even complete a stress test... tho maybe it will be on a bike?  Still lots of unknowns, but soon this too will be in the past and I will be facing my future as a healthier person.

I think ahead and ask myself how I will eat when this is all over - I like the idea of being a vegan or maybe that's too ambitious - perhaps just a vegetarian.  I would like to eat cleanly and simply.  We shall see...

I have rallied friends and family since I acknowledge that I will need a great deal of support and positivity surrounding me.  I am not sure I will get this from everyone, since this type of self improvement is sometimes disturbing to other people - I think it kicks up issues in their own lives so sometimes they are unwittingly negative.  I am prepared for that, however, and will attempt to remain aware and to not derail my own success due to anyone else's shit, basically. :)

Oh that reminds me of something - I have been told that I will be a little woozy or fatigued or forgetful or just generally fuzzy and 'out of it' during the full fast.  Not like I am not like that already... so there's that.  Hoping that I feel euphoric, as my friend, Steve, told me he feels when he fasts.  I'm up for a nice empty stomach high - that sounds pleasant.

All remains to be seen - I am reminded of a lovely quote in my new favorite book, The Fault In Our Stars, that says 'Life is not a wish-granting factory'.  No, it is not and I will just have to grant my own wishes.  Let's raise a glass to that!  Tho, of course I will not be drinking any alcohol on the plan.  Hmmm, a fast-induced high is sounding better and better...