I'm Baaaack!

I took a long break from blogging.  For many reasons - I was running in a political campaign which meant that not only was I busy but I also had to protect my personal life to an extent that I never had to before.  But, now it's over (I lost), so I'm back blogging.  I had almost forgotten that I once had this blog, it was good for me, so I'm continuing.

I no longer count the number of weeks, but I have now lost 86 pounds!  I have been eating all food or maybe one or two shakes and two to three meals for the last, oh, ten weeks?  It has been remarkably easy to lose weight even on food.  I know that lots of Opti people get frightened of food, but I never felt that way.  I really felt that I was prepared and ready to eat, and that I would not go back to my old habits.

And pretty much that has held true.  I've exercised pretty regularly, but lately I'm getting bored with the gym - I'm going to try something else - I'm thinking yoga?  Though that type of thing - trying a new exercise - makes me scared and nervous.  I do have some support, however, in some friends who go to the yoga place, so I will definitely rely on them.

What is different now is that I enjoy exercising - I feel energetic and like I have stamina and energy to burn!

One rub - I have gained about three pounds in the last four weeks - between Thanksgiving and my birthday and my AF's birthday and Xmas parties, I have definitely gone off plan and gained weight.  But, funnily enough, I'm not anxious about it - I do not see this as a slippery slope.  My goal is to minimize the damage and get to January 1 with no more than a 5 pound gain, and continue back down the weight loss ladder again.

I picked up this book, The Beck Diet Solution - check it out here: http://www.amazon.com/The-Beck-Diet-Solution-Person/dp/0848731735

It's very interesting, and even though I have just started reading it, I feel like I'm going to learn a lot - it's fascinating and practical advice.  I'll tell you more as I wade through it.

Oh, one more thing - I am no longer using my Sleep Apnea machine, but am instead sleeping quietly and calmly once again.  I no longer have any back pain, and I am wearing pants that are TEN sizes smaller than what I used to wear.

I still have a few pounds to lose - maybe 60?  But I feel awesome already, and I'm going to get there next year - I'm in no rush.

Moving On!

Week 21 - 77.8 pounds lost!

I have had some twists and turns this week - started out deciding that I was going to go the whole 24 weeks allowed on the full fast.  However, that thought has evolved this week.

Last week when I overdid the one hour exercise limit, I ended up with a zero loss for the first time ever!   So that has been a factor in my thinking this week - I'd like to exercise more and even lift weights, which I am instructed not to do on this very low calorie program - something about not taking in enough calories to build muscle and the possibility of harming existing muscle.

I succumbed to an especially bad day on day 2 of this week, and ended up eating some nuts, raisins, and and a tuna sandwich.  Not terrible, I know, but still.

I then got back on the full fast bandwagon for the next three days, taking me to yesterday, where I had a watershed moment.  I really am craving food - I want protein and veggies!  I think I've made a decision to either go on the moderate fast or transfer to the full food 'Lean' program offered by the clinic.  I am thinking right now that I cannot tolerate the shakes any more - five months seems long enough to be on the shakes.

I have taken off a good amount of the total weight that I want to lose, and I am grateful.  However, I'm ready to eat healthfully and exercise to get in shape!  I started on my own today with lettuce, tomatoes, some zero calorie vinaigrette, and some sliced turkey.

I am eager to go to the clinic tomorrow to discuss it with the Dr.  I don't really anticipate a loss, I may even end up with a gain (If you recall, I went on the moderate fast for only four days while on vacation, and I gained .8/LB, which is normal when one transitions and your body adjusts to the food, usually retaining some water) BUT I remain positive and ready to continue losing weight and moving towards my final goal.

Will you stay with me and listen to my story?

High Horse? Get thee off of there.

A couple of days ago, a fellow poster in a Facebook group asked for advice because she did not have a local Optifast doctor or clinic.  She said the nearest one was two hours or more away, and that they were not taking clients.  Feeling sympathy for her, I told her that you can get the shakes on Amazon.com.  It's the same product - my friend who recommended this program to me buys them there all the time.  The person to whom I told this is an adult, and presumably able to make rational, intelligent decisions on her own.  Many others told her to make sure she sees a doctor to monitor her health, etc.  

Due to my advice, one of the posters has left this aforementioned Facebook group.

Listen, I know that it's not ideal to buy the product online, as it's not 'recommended' by the clinics (Could that perhaps have something to do with the mark-up they then lose?), but if I had to drive four hours round trip to a clinic, I would welcome that little bit of help that I gave.  It's this type of perfectionist attitude that creates overeaters, in my humble opinion.  It's downright cold to expect someone to just forget about pursuing something that has helped myself and others so much, just because they don't have the same opportunities we have been fortunate enough to have.  And my basic feeling about this person leaving the Facebook group is pretty clear. 

Bye bye gurl!

Say what?

OK, so I went on the Moderate Fast for three days out of the 7 and I gained .8 pounds - That is POINT EIGHT pounds for those of you that read quickly, like me.  I followed the meal plan to the letter, so you can imagine my reaction.

The doctor explained to me that this happens often when people switch to the moderate fast.  Something about the food making you retain water.  Apparently your body adjusts, but I went right back onto the full fast so I'm sure I'll have a good weight loss this week.  I'm not discouraged at all.  As a matter of fact, it was worth every second.

Yummy LOBSTER!!!  My sweet little girl is lucky that she took back five fingers after putting her hands on my meal.;)

My daughter enjoys her lobster.

All of us, post food consumption

Onwards and upwards... er, downwards.

Ahhh, that's better.

I'm feeling much better after adding the bar to the daily program.  I also switched up the flavors of the shakes, concentrating now on the chocolate.  It may take a while before I'm ever able to drink the vanilla ones again.  I've been walking a lot, getting signatures for my campaign, and I feel really really good and back on track!!

That's right, momma got her groove back

I go to Maine on July 26 for four days.  I'm thinking of going on the moderate fast so I can have lobster.  I know some of my fellow Optis have done this for the same reason - vacay! - and did well on it.  I'll keep you informed of my progress.  xo

KRanKy!

That's right, dear reader, I'm a cranky bitch this week.  I am sick. to. death. of. these. freaking. shakes.  I can barely stomach one, let alone five.  I have been barely able to finish one in a sitting and ended up eating much less than I was supposed to.  As an example, when I went to the doctor today I had only had one shake, and it was 5PM.  That's not a good thing for obvious reasons, but also because your body goes into starvation mode... yada yada yada, you've heard it all before, I'm sure.  Anyone who has ever had a weight problem is an amateur nutritionist and has far more knowledge than the average skinny bitch.

I confessed my feelings to the doctor tonight and I was not happy with her response.  She told me I could go on the moderate fast or switch to the all-food, 'Lean' program.  She said that neither were good ideas for me, however, since I had lost so much weight already and was doing so well and that I look so good that I was probably thinking that I was done and was just going to go back to my old patterns.
Bitch says WUT???

Excuse me?

So I says to her I says, trying to refrain from wagging my finger and my head,  'That is NOT the problem.  I'm well aware that I have more weight to lose, I am just at the point that I do not want to do something stupid like eat something - I can tell that I am at a breaking point.'  I told her that my friend has the Optifast bars, and maybe if I could have one bar, two soups, and only two disgusting shakes, that I could stay on the full fast.  She said that women often do poorly on the bars, that it slows down their weight loss and she wasn't sure that was the answer.  I told her I wanted to try it and silently told her to stop being a Cassandra.  So I'm trying it for one week, because correct me if I am wrong, but slowing down weight loss is preferable to stopping it with a burrito to the mouth.

I also bought some new shake flavors, so that may be helpful as well.

In other news.. 11 week update:
I lost 3.6 pounds this week for a total of 57.2 pounds lost!

53.6 pounds down!

You read that right, loves.  (Why did that word send me into thinking about bread loaves? What is the food equivalent of a dirty mind? )

Here's a little photo essay featuring my face - doesn't it look better?  I'm going to compare and contrast it here to a photo that my student, Rachel, had put up of me on Facebook - a photo that lasted as long as it took me to text her, 'Get that down!!!  Please!!'

February 26, 2012.  Dear Lord who the fuck is this???

July 4, 2012.  Aah, there's my nose.

I needed this today, since I was all alone at my parents' home walking their dog, and I swear that house has the worst food karma - there is so much junk food around and my body and mind are conditioned to eat the second I walk into their home.  So, I've been struggling with the desire to cheat all day long.  I'm better now,  after seeing this.   Protect the fast!

Gone Insane

I had my ten week weigh-in  and lost 5 pounds for a total of 50.6 pounds!


I hit the big Five-Oh!  I am all things grateful and amazed and happy.

I also decided to run for my school committee so my mental health has clearly been compromised - as if I don't have enough to do!

I want to thank all my friends, old and new who have supported me and cheered me on these past ten weeks.  I will update more, later on in the week.

Fugly

Today, I started thinking about my own issues with body image.  Not that they haven't been on my mind already - I have been laying in wait as if these issues are going to jump out at me and insert fat into my thighs or something.  Here's a photo for you:

Me, 1981.  I am on the left.  My kind and long suffering friend, Pam, is on the right modeling my dress made out of dryer sheets.  Don't tell her this is up on the blog.

Do I look like I'm overweight?  A fat girl?  I don't think so, at least not now that I'm looking at the photo through my current eyes.  When I looked at myself then, however, I thought I was huge.  I suppose that is body dysmorphic disease, but at the time I thought that everyone looked at me and thought I was fat and ugly.  

I remember being a thin child until I was about five or six.  In my family, you were stuffed until you burst.  'No' was not an option.  Don't want to eat your food, but want to go outside and play?  That's okay, it will be waiting for you when you come back, warming in the oven, and you'd better eat it then if you're going to be a good girl.  Somewhere down the line, food became a comfort, a panacea for my life with a difficult and violent father, and a mother that did not protect me.  There was love in my home, but not understanding.  There was some safety but also the insecurity that comes with the possibility of violence at any moment.  

At some point in my teen years, my mother put me on diet pills, an event which she denies to this day.  They helped me to finally become a normal weight, and have a better life in school, however I was high all the time and barely slept.  Often during the night, I got up and cried in the bathroom, and no one ever knew, to this day.  Now I know that I was suffering from depression.  At the time, I just felt ugly and unloved.

When I was 17, my sister's best friend and I spent the summer going to Gloria Stevens fitness salon.  By the end of the summer we were in great shape, looking very thin and feeling healthy and fabulous.  However, one thing overshadowed this success - the fact that my parents did not want me to join the health club and fought me so hard about actually having a membership ('It's a scam!' they would shout with absolutely no knowledge of it) that I had to pay by the week and sometimes go on the sly.  The real irony came a couple of years later, when my mother joined the health club herself.  I confess to being a little pissed about that.

I gained the majority of my weight being in a bad marriage wherein I felt misunderstood to my very core.  I was so unhappy all I did was eat and I could no longer recognize myself.  I am now in a very healthy relationship with a very understanding and intelligent man (AF) who loves me no matter what I weigh, and could not think of me as ugly if my face were smashed in with a frying pan.   A good relationship is very healing.  So is therapy, which I was in regularly for many years, and now use as a maintenance tool.

I often say to people what Maria the psychologist at the Weight Loss center says in her meetings - This is NOT about five shakes a day.  It is about so much more.  And recognizing that leads to breaking the patterns, which leads to forgiveness and healing.  

Just A Little Tip From Me To You

I complained to the doctor last week that all day I felt gurgly in my stomach.  I felt like my intestines were just gaseous, backed up tubes of bubbling irritation.  I believe you can draw the obvious result of this condition.

Why is it that when one googles 'Farting Dog', photos of the Jonas Brothers appear?

His suggestion was to drink 6 ounces of water before every shake.  I did that and voila... it worked!  I feel significantly less gurgly and more able to be around humans.  I was able to be around dogs and babies because of the obvious blaming opportunities, but now I can add people to the mix.  Phew!

Gobsmacked

That is how I'm feeling... freaking gobsmacked.
Week 9 weigh-in  and I've lost 5.2 pounds for a total of 45.6 pounds!

It's as astounding to me as it is to you.  Dr. Perra said even for this program, I am in the top percentile in weight loss.  It seems to make no sense because I'm 49 and I figured I'd lose weight a little slowly, but the good Dr says there is no indicator regarding how one will do on the program.  I'm just lucky that my body is responding so well.

I have never lost 46 pounds in  my life.  Of course, had I lost that in my twenties or thirties, I would have been 100 or 110 pounds, but... not sure what my point was here.

One of the members followed me out to ask me how I had done, since I have been doing so well, and it felt good to talk about it and to be the subject of some fascination.

In exercise news, I started walking the track with my ten year old (Who runs it, but I'm not ten so I walk fast and just try to keep an eye on her).  Eventually I hope to run it, but not sure my knees will ever give me permission for that.  We started out with a half mile, and we've made a deal together to go every day, with maybe a weekend day off.  Nice to have a good partner in crime.

I confess to struggling this weekend - many times at the end of the day I would feel sad, and whine to my AF (Adorable Fiance) that 'I waaaant to eaaaat!'.   I have to stress that this is not easy, and as I mentioned, I do have doubts and low moments, but I get through the low points, stay positive and I recommit in the morning.  No one said this was going to be a cake walk.   (Mmmm caaake)

Smellicious

One of the little pleasures I get is smelling food.  My daughters know now that when they are sitting down to eat, that it is good practice to put a forkful of their meal under my nose for just a sec so that I can inhale the wonderful aroma of food.  It doesn't tempt me, just makes me happy.  If they don't do this, I'll just stick my face in their plate, so they have adjusted.  I have trained them well.  I've come a long way from the time that I put my nose in my daughter's face as she ate her meal... 'Seriously, are you doing this right now?', she snarked.

Today I hit a new low - or high as it were.  My mom brought over these little Italian pizzas from a bakery, and I sat for so long with my face in the bag that someone snapped a picture...

I know it's not flattering, I know I have no makeup on, and I look kinda crappy, but it's a moment worth commemorating.

Here is a Love Poem to pizzettes that I found on the internet, by apologies to Konstantin Simonov..

Wait for me, (Dear Pizzettes) and I'll return Only wait very hard Wait when you are filled with (yummy) sorrow... Wait in the sweltering heat Wait when the others have stopped waiting, Forgetting their yesterdays. Wait even when from afar no letters come to you Wait even when others are tired of waiting... And when friends sit around the fire (eating), Drinking (margaritas) to my memory, Wait, (dear pizzettes, wait) and do not hurry to drink to my memory too. Wait. For I'll return,defying every death. And let those who do not wait say that  I was lucky thin. They will never understand that  in the midst of death Optifast You with you waiting saved me. Only you and I know how I survived, (dear pizzettes). It's because you waited, as no one else did.

Week 8 upd8

Week 8 weigh in - Lost 4 pounds for a total of 40.4 pounds lost!


I am feeling so good, but you knew that already.  It is hard to adjust to such quick weight loss.  I feel thinner than I look, but also just got used to last week's weight loss, and here I am smaller again.  It's a surprising feeling, but I am not complaining.  Amazingly, I am averaging 5 pounds per week - go ahead and say WTF, I know you want to.

Time for a recap on my typical day -

Morning is fight-the-constipation time.  I take 2 Colace and a huge tablespoon of sugar free Metamucil. About an hour later I have my usual vanilla shake - Vanilla mix + 1 Equal packet + 9 ounces of Vanilla/Orange Seltzer + 4 Ice Cubes.  I do this four times a day.  Usually at Lunch or Dinner time, I have the 1 Optifast Soup - Tomato or Chicken.  I prefer the Tomato and I add spices to it.

Mostly, I just don't think about the shakes or the soups.  I try to make it a part of my day that is equivalent to fueling up at the gas station.

At some point during the day, I put on my sneakers and do 10-15 minutes or more of a YouTube exercise video.  I am working my way past that rather wimpy time.  I can already feel myself getting stronger.  I don't always do it every day - it depends on whether I am having any aches or pain in my knees, which is significantly less than it used to be, but hey, I'm old.

I had a wonderful reunion with my old RISD friends over the weekend, and we went to a lovely restaurant called Mills Tavern in Providence.  Don't google it, why torture yourself?  As it usually is, my diet was the subject of some conversation.  I sound like a cult member when I'm talking about it, because it has been so life changing for me.  I'm grateful that people pretty much understand and are mostly supportive, but I do get the...'This is the easy part, what happens when you start eating food? That's when you gain it back!' negativity.  Hey, it's a valid question, but I always get the feeling that the person asking wants me to fail.   But nothing can touch me now.  That is the type of attitude that derailed me on other weight loss journeys, but not this one.  Nothing can derail me.  Bring it on jealous bitches, bring it on.  I'll be happy to donate my size 22 pants when I surpass your weight. :DD

Boring Update

Hey there, just my week 7 update - lost a crazy EIGHT pounds for a total of 36.4!


I am so thrilled, of course.  I guess the exercise worked this week!  And I really only did about 15 minutes three times.  Still maintaining on the Optifast, still missing food, but this makes me so happy I cannot and will not jeopardize it.  Even threw out some pants this week.

I feel so much thinner than I look!  I have a long way to go, but so what - I'll get there.  I feel amazing!

Love to you all and protect the fast!

The Kaiser would want it this way.

Oh I can't  believe I forgot to tell you this... I am a huge believer in rewarding your(my)self for a job well done.  That reward used to come in the shape of a bagel, but now I buy myself a lipstick or something small every week or so just to compensate for my juvenile feelings of occasional deprivation.  Sometimes, I am such a baby.

Anyway, I started to think about how I wanted to reward myself when I hit a major goal, maybe even the goal - haven't decided on that part yet.  But here is my reward.... if I could make this photograph sparkle, you know I would....

Chanel Black Front Patent Leather Quilted White Ankle Boot Knock-off, but so what - Kaiser Karl has enough money. 

Come to Mama, honey... come to Mama...  that's right, Mama loves you, yes she does...

Paar-TAY!

Week 6 weigh-in... y'all ready for this?  4.4 pounds lost for a total of 28.4 pounds!

Dr. Pera said it 'won't be long now' until I hit the 50 pound mark.  He said that most people who enter a weight loss program do not get as far as that milestone.  I have never gotten that far, truth be told.  If I had, I probably would have been one skinny bitch twenty years ago.  At least I got the second part right.

I asked him if he was going to throw a party for me (Did not sound as snarky as it does in print) and he said he would definitely mark the occasion.  Did he mean like with a tattoo or something?  I'm not sure, but I totally do not approve of tattoos so I would discourage him from taking that route.
   
I went to many many restaurants this weekend, and I protected the fast painstakingly.  We travelled to the One Direction concert in NJ and then had dinner in NYC, so we were in hotels and restaurants all weekend.  Aaand I only wanted to throw the Optifast shaker against the wall once, during brunch on Sunday  morning when I could not get my act together to mix it right and you know how once it spills a little it gets all over everything?  It was like that.

Other than that one frustration, I did quite well.  I tipped the Starbucks to make my shake on many occasions, and they obliged kindly.  Only one restaurant (In NYC of course - I lived there for 15 years so I can trash talk it if I want to) refused to make my shake.  Silly Japanese restaurant (Hanae on 1st Avenue that I will never visit again even when I am eating - I am vindictive like that).  I did manage by borrowing their bartender's shaker and doing it myself.  So even the Japanese cannot derail me.  

If I did approve of tattoos, this one would be nice and discreet for Dr. Pera.

Oh Dr Pera, you shouldn't have!

Ba dump ba dump ba dump badump Baaah!

Yesterday's weigh-in was my body evening out... 1 pound for a total of 24.  At least that's what the Dr said - 5 pounds per week average is just so damn good and I'm so damn fabulous that my body is just saying, 'Stop expecting so much of me, you selfish...!'

I'm not at all disappointed, I know this is a marathon, not a sprint, and I am truly grateful for every ounce lost.  Plus, I was a little constipated yesterday, so minus a good dump I'm sure next week will be better... what, I never said I'd act like a lady.

I was told to start exercising this week.  25 minutes per day for three days a week to start.  Ok, but today I thought I'd start slow and use my Step at home.  After trying out a few hard videos, I found one on Youtube... I completely mastered it today - all 9.43 minutes out of the 51.  Hey, a journey of a thousand miles starts with one Step class.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2gBj9VZBQ0&feature=related <--- Jenny Ford Youtube Step Class.

It's a nice beginners step class, and I think I can stick with it.  I will endeavor to complete all 51 minutes - I will notify you via this medium when that occurs.

I'd like to freaking eat already.

Yes, I'd like to eat.  I'm in my fifth week, and I would never cheat, and I'm still doing well, and I'm committed to this, but I would like to eat something.  I would say that my prevailing feeling right now is just confusion.  I am surrounded by food, feeding my family, and sometimes I really enjoy just being around the food, and other times, like right the hell now, I would sell you something if you gave me a tomato and I also had permission to eat it.  Something like my cat, even.  I'm sure you'd treat her well.

Hopefully tomorrow's weigh-in is going to be a good one, but today I'm feeling kinda miserable.  I'm kinda gassy (Yes, I'm taking the fiber) and that's fun for everyone of course, but I'm also feeling bored and am having to aggressively remind myself that I am far from my goal, and need to focus on that and not on my feeling deprived.  I'm trying... I really am.

Bad Burrito

Weighed in last night and lost 4 pounds for the week, for a total of....drumroll..... 23 pounds!!

I am so thrilled!  It is like a little gift every week!  Also, the doctor was a woman I had never met before, and she was so encouraging.  We talked about my week, and when I finished she said she could tell that I am very motivated and will reach my goal.  She said she has been doing this for years and can tell that I am not a 'cheater'.  Hell, yeah!  There is no way I would cheat on this program.  And it's not like I don't think about it, because I do, oh I dooo!!  But I want that little gift of weight loss so much more than I want a bite of my daughter's scrumptious, if evil, burrito.  This guy looks very mean, no?

I got him off of some other guy's blog, I don't have the artists' name to credit, sorry.  

I'll be here, accepting complements and tributes to my awesomeness all week!  Feel free to bring the love. Maybe I'll find an avenging Tomato or Avocado to be this guy's nemesis.  

Best Day

Today the family courts chewed me up, spit me out, rinse and repeat.  I am facing a major litigation now, something that once caused me to gain a lot of weight.  That is not going to happen this time.  Here is a very uplifting text that my friend sent me today, when Applebee's was on my mind...

"Stay above the bullshit, and don't let anyone push you into self doubt.  
Use the depression you have right now and turn it into righteous anger!  
Don't victimize yourself.  
There are enough assholes out there attacking you without doing the same.  
You must protect yourself"

Now if that is not a fabulously supportive text, then I don't know what is.  Just the right amount of cursing and therapeutic advice!  I love this guy.  And I took his advice and did not go get 'Carside To Go', as I so desperately wanted to do!  (mmmm... nachos)

I'm proud of myself for seeking out help and I'm once again reminded about what a wonderful support system I have.  

So even though my eyes are nearly swollen shut from crying, and I am feeling a bit steamrolled by the bullies, I am ready to wake up tomorrow, face the day and not just persevere, but fight to the death!  Hulk Smash, motherfuckers!!

Salt Monster

I want to eat something so badly.  I just got back from my lawyer and my ex has decided to declare himself  insane.  Not really, but might as well have... any time his life is going badly, he finds some way to mess with me.  Poor baby.

I will be honest and say that nothing would calm me down more right now than a nice Reuben sandwich or a bowl of potato chips.  But I'm not going to let that loser derail me.  Instead, I'm redirecting my energies and going to write some letters to a former student to attempt to inspire her to stay in school.  Nothing like giving to someone else to get you out of your own pity party!

Just had the Optifast tomato soup - food. of. the. gods.  Deeee-Lish!  Hello, Salt...have you been thinking about me like I've been thinking about you??

Hulk SMASH!

Went to see the Avengers movie... so fun and funny and raucous and best superhero movie everrr!  Go see it!

Oh, and I lost 5 pounds for a total of 19!!!!!  And I was given the gift of soups this week... ahhh so grateful for a little broth... please sir, can I have some more?

Protect the fast!   ARRGHGHGHEHJHRHTHFHRRRR!

ARRGHGHGHEHJHRHTHFHRRRR!

Nostalgia is a bitch

I keep thinking how a few weeks ago I would sit down with a bowl of chips and watch Celebrity Apprentice.  I would be happy as a pig in youknowwhat.  But then be sick to my stomach afterward.  I miss it, tho, if I am to be completely honest.

Everyone keeps asking me, as my fab cousin Tom did today, 'How are you doing it??'  I put two question marks there on purpose - because the question is asked with marked incredulity.  How am I not eating?

The answer is I'm not really sure, and that gives me anxiety.  I think I'm not eating because most of the time I feel full, with the exception of right now when my hunger is clawing at the inside of my stomach.  That is what hunger feels like to me.  I"m drinking water to help but I really need to get more sugar free gum or some handcuffs or sumthin.

I tell everyone who asks that everyone on Optifast says that the hunger mostly goes away after a week or so.  It has been three weeks for me and it has not really gone away.  I think that most of the time I just miss the food, but I am hungry, too.  I wonder if everyone else is just a well-meaning liar (Like when they say natural childbirth doesn't hurt) or what.

I think that once you invest time into the program, and start to see results, like I have, it just starts to perpetuate itself.  I want that weight loss tomorrow like I want life itself.  Today I felt great, walking around doing errands, and I want more of that.  More more more.

That's the best answer I can come up with, for now.

I know I can't go back to eating the way I did, and I'm kinda mourning that I guess.  Seems reasonable to me.  I can accept this.  Weigh-in tomorrow!

Top Seven List

Made some ribs for the family last night... that was the most painful event in a long time - watching them eat those heavenly things!  Of course I protected the fast, and when I woke up this morning, I felt so light! Made me want to start this list:

Top Ten Things that are better than eating baby back ribs with barbecue sauce:

1. Waking up in the morning and feeling lighter and thinner.
2. Being able to put on the pretty sandals that you could not wear last summer.
3. Walking through the grocery store without your back hurting (too much).
4. Not coughing all day or at all.
5. Feeling in control.
6. Being told by your AF that you look thinner.
7. Running down the stairs in wedge sandals.
8. Feeling in control (It warrants two spots)

It's a work in process, I'll update this post as I go along.

Protect the fast, my loves! (mmm, loaves... bread...mmmmm)

sweet SIDE.

Had to share the fab little note my talented 10 year old put on the refrigerator for me...If you can't tell, that is a motivational sketch of me, thinner, with the words, 'Don't EAT - Juice boxes ONLY!'

It is pretty funny that I'm subsisting on juice boxes.  I think at least according to Ava's sketch, that I'm going to be pretty svelte in a couple of months!   I'm gong to have to look for that top and jeans so that I can take a similar photo.

Boob Job

Week 2 WEIGH-IN....drumroll please....  6.2 pounds for a total of 14 Pounds!!!


I just read somewhere that that is the average size of D-Cup breasts.  I have so much useless knowledge in my head, but today it came in handy.

I had a stressful day with family stresses, and I handled it by calling a friend and not by breaking my fast.  I consider that nearly as big a triumph as the weight loss.

I had the new leader tonight, too, and a new meeting.  There were so many more people and the leader had lots of energy.  I could complain about the rather rote subject matters, since I've heard it all before in Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig... etc etc ad-nauseum.  (I had no idea that was a hyphenated word until spell check told me just now)  However, the group did get into some decent discussions, mostly initiated by me, because I'm very curious about everyone else's experience, and how they are handling cooking for their families.  We had some good laughs and I think for now I'm going to stick with this group.

I could not be happier, and I just wanted to share it with you, Dear Reader!

Protect the fast, dolls!

Wedgie!

I was late getting ready to pick up my daughter after school.  I changed, slipped into my new wedgie sandals, and ran down the stairs before I realized... I. Am. Running. Down. The. Stairs.... and in 2" wedges no less!

Those are my rhinestone wedges, aren't they cute??

I feel much thinner than I look!  In my mind I am a size 8 already.  I am not coughing, my foot is no longer swollen, and I am moving around like I've lost fifty pounds, not a mere 8.  (Okay, I'm rounding up)

Less than two weeks ago I was coughing like a mad man, really only wore sneakers or these ugly Payless black shoes that could stretch over my swollen foot... I almost hesitate to tell this to anyone because I feel like no one will believe me, but it's an amazing transformation already.  I only wish I had the go ahead to exercise, but I think I can increase my moving around a bit.  Don't tell anyone.

Two of my friends commented on this today - both said that they had not heard me sound so good in a long time.  I just need to think of this when I am feeling tired or bored or hungry on the program.

Today is a good day and I'm looking forward to my (Early - it's only been six days) weigh-in tomorrow.

Wish me luck!

Protect the fast, peeps! :)))

Pusher

Today I made my daughter oatmeal for breakfast, egg salad for lunch, and a farfalle/meat/ricotta cheese concoction for dinner.  In addition to that, I made blueberry 'bread', although calling it bread is like calling Haagen Daz ice cream an Optifast shake.

Why, Dear Reader, do I torture myself so?

I did not have to do any of it.  I could have let my adorable fiancé (AF from now on, I'm lazy) make all the meals, he would have been happy to help.

I think I'm drawn to the food - I like to look at it and to handle it.  My one faux pas during the entire day was kind of licking mayo off my finger until I realized my mistake, and wiped my tongue with a paper towel.  LOL.  I am pathetic.

Just like an addict, food gets me high.  Let's think of it this way - I'm like a drug addict who is in Rehab but insists on cooking the Meth.  Like a recovering alcoholic who mixes drinks.  Like a reformed hooker who... never mind.

Maybe I've become a food pusher instead of a food addict?  If so, you will need to call me 'Nanny', because my own personal pusher was my grandmother.  Food for thought, no pun intended.

Also, my entire family is eating less, which is interesting in so many ways - it shows me that I am a much bigger influence on my children and AF than I had ever imagined.  Hard to turn away from that kind of responsibility when it is realized.

Protect the fast, people!

Gangsta

Had my usual Friday morning 'date' with my fabulous cousin, Tom (We are both fabulous, in case you were wondering).  Met at 10:30 at the beyond-delicious-bakery, Seven Stars in Providence.  If you are a smart, you will not click on the link.  Oh lord the bread there is divine.


di·vine/diˈvīne

Adjective:

Of, from, or like God or a god.

If you think I'm exaggerating, you have clearly not eaten there.  Anyway, I went in, and standing right next to the sticky buns as casually as you please, I ordered plain iced tea with lemon.  I did not even glance at the cookies, breads, and evil pastries that were so prettily displayed.  I don't even think they tapped me on the shoulder as they are wont to do.  The tea tasted lovely.

I spent an hour there without a care in the world, thank you very much.

And if that is not enough of a triumph, tonight my adorable fiancé and I had a whole two hours without children, and we went to Spain restaurant, which is yummy and has a great bar, and I did not drink liquor nor was I tempted to.  He had a margarita at the bar and I drank a diet coke, which I almost didn't even care to drink and which I will probably not order again.  I could have ordered water and been as happy with it.

Something is happening.  I suppose I have entered ketosis and am in the fast, but also I think that my tastes are changing.  I think (hope)  I am learning to taste things differently, and will be able to eat cleaner, more healthfully, and more organically when food makes it's inevitable reappearance into my life.  This is all about putting food in it's rightful place, which I have said before is one of my goals.

Two restaurants in one day.   And I stuck to my fast and I'm feeling pretty triumphant right now.  Of course, pride goes before a fall, and I am always remembering that I am only human, but I feel pretty gangsta right now.

1. Urban Dictionary: gangsta

   www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=gangsta

   A sociopathic member of the inner-city underclass, known primarily for being antisocial and uneducated. Also known for ready access to illegal drug..
2. Ok, maybe that's the wrong word.  You know what I mean.

By the way, I put my name in the gangsta name generator, and here is what came up, I kid you not:  White African.  I'll leave you to ponder that one.  I'm not touching it.

Lost Cat

Fabulous news - My first weigh in and I lost 7.8 pounds!!!!  I was so happy and on a big high, texting all my friends and family!!!

Unfortunately, I then went to the meeting, which was the worst meeting I have ever experienced (Comparing it to other weight loss meetings, since this is my first Optifast meeting).  Last week the other members had told me the leader was a snooze... that turned out to be an enormous understatement!  He literally sucked the energy out of the room.  He droned on with no passion or excitement.  It was one hour of sheer torture.  I enjoyed the other members, but every time the conversation steered back to him, it died an immediate death.  After the meeting, I wanted to eat an entire bag of potato chips, that is how unmotivated I felt.  I had so many little triumphs during the week that I was dying to share, and I did get to speak a bit, but the reaction from the leader was like rain on my parade (To put it kindly - I really want to call it something else).

No problem, though - the new me handles things immediately and does not let them fester to then pop up as something much bigger and lead to my going off the fast.  The new me protects the fast!


So I signed up for a new meeting, which means that next week I will only have a six day fast until my new weigh in.  That's okay, tho, I'll adjust because I am prepared that next week may not be as a big a weight loss anyway.

Today was a stressful day - I had to deal with some school, family, and friend issues.  Actually it was one of those days when the issues just keep on piling up!  And I handled them all well.  I'm very proud of the fact that I did not once turn to food, which I certainly would have done in the past.

My cat, LC, weighs 8 pounds.  I lost an entire cat this week!!

Dang, there's a typo on LC's thought balloon... if you knew her that would make so much sense.

Pizza Love

fet·ish

   [fet-ish, fee-tish]  Show IPA

noun

1.

an object regarded with awe as being the embodiment or habitation of a potent spirit or as having magical potency.

2.

any object, idea, etc., eliciting unquestioning reverence,respect, or devotion: to make a fetish of high grades.

3.

Psychology . any object or non-genital part of the body thatcauses a habitual erotic response or fixation.

I am obsessed lately with this word.  I have been thinking that I have come to fetishize food.  I think that may be true of the entire multi-billion dollar diet culture.  I have also been thinking a lot about food issues as they correlate to alcoholism or drug addiction.  I am not an alcoholic but I have known a few, and I think we are cousins of a sort.  

The first time I saw '28 Days', a movie starring Sandra Bullock, about a drug addict, I thought to myself, 'That's me'.  Substitute food for drugs in that scenario and my current liquid fast is my own personal rehab.

I now realize that one of my goals is to take away the 'magical potency' of food and put it in it's rightful place.  

Tonight I made dinner for the first time in the six days since i have started the fast.  I made pizza and broccoli for my two daughters.  I actually really enjoyed touching the food, and just being around it, though I admit to being a little anxious.  I had to be aware of not putting anything in my mouth, not the bit of cheese left on the counter, not the sauce that got on my finger, not even the remnants of the awesomely beautiful broccoli that stuck to the pan.  And I did a good job of it.  

As I served my daughters their dinner, I bent down to the table, put my chin in my hands and stared at the pizza.  I then picked up the entire plate of pizza,and while the cheese made a lovely mound of liquid yumminess in the center, I held it close to my nose, inhaling deeply.  My oldest said, 'Are you seriously doing that?'.  'Don't judge me', I said, as it's toasty aroma of cheesy goodness took me to a special place of blissful happiness with sunlight and roses and unicorns and...  And this is what i'm talking about, Dear Reader.  I love food, and it definitely elicits an unhealthy reverence in my life.  I am a fetishist.  Look it up, people.  Sorry, unrequited love makes me cranky.

Eat Less, Live Longer

This was Homer's fortune cookie tonight.  I think the spirit world is speaking to me through the Simpsons.  That's cool, at least they know where to find me.

Had a tough day today, but not because of the Optifast program and the fact that I cannot eat for many months to come.  There was a mixup with the Cardiologist, and I apparently arrived an hour after my actual appointment (According to them, tho I disagree).  Even though there was no one in the waiting room, and I offered to stay as long as necessary to see the Dr, I was not allowed to stay.  I felt like it was unfair since there were mistakes on both sides, both mine and theirs... long story.

Anyway, that sent me into an emotional tailspin.  I stood there and told them that it was not fair to punish me for this, spun on my heel and walked out the door.  But tears erupted immediately and I was crying like a baby the whole way out of the office, in the elevator, and waiting for the valet.  I put on my sunglasses, but the tears just kept coming and coming, in the car, on the highway, then at my house.  I think I was crying about many things - my friend's recent death, the never-ending troubles with my ex, my worries about my health, and also just out of general frustration.  I toyed with the idea of sitting in a parking lot and just crying it out, I did not want to be around anyone or see anyone, but in the end I went home.

Aah, but here's the rub - I got home and wanted so badly to eat!!  I wanted to use food to make me happy/satisfied/tranquilized/comforted/whole.  Dear Reader I did not indulge, but man did I want to!!  Thankfully, my fiancé, my children and my mother were there to hug me and listen to me.  Once again, asking for help is my salvation.

Day 5 is almost in the bag.

Feeling Stronger

Day 4 and I'm feeling stronger.

Had a dream last night where I was standing at the sink with my mother, and talking to her as we cleaned up some dishes.  As we spoke, I started to put whipped cream on a peeled banana and eat it (Gee, what would Freud say to that?) and suddenly realized with horror what I was doing- and proceeded to spit it out, saying, 'I'm fasting!'.  Made me feel more than ever that I want to 'protect the fast', like the nutritionist had told us to do.  I'm good at protecting things - cats, kids - so that appeals to me.

I ordered a rubber bracelet for myself that says 'Protect The Fast'.  I like the idea of wearing that as a talisman/reminder:  You can get one too at wristbandswithamessage.com

I'm leaning towards just drinking the shakes straight, and without the syrups, etc.  The nutritionist definitely got me thinking when she said to stay away from flavors like that and also from flavored diet drinks.  She said that recent studies show that it actually increases hunger and creates an expectation in the brain that sugar is coming, so therefore it is bad in the long run.

We'll see how long that lasts - I am leaving open the possibility that I will become so bored with this that I will have to add the flavors.   At least that option is open to me.

Wishing peace to all!

Maintaining

The most I can say for myself right now is that I am maintaining.

maintainingpresent participle of main·tain (Verb)

Verb:

Cause or enable (a condition or state of affairs) to continue: "maintain close links between industry and schools". Keep (something) at the same level or rate: "prices will have to be maintained".

I have taken the advice of the many supportive online Optifast angels, and I have gotten the sugar free gum, which does help a bit.  It's only five calories for two pieces, and we are allowed fifty calories a day for things like that, so I'm doing okay.

I feel as if I am just a drinking and peeing machine.   I am just pushing the fluids.

I do have good news, tho - my nearly constant coughing is now GONE and my seemingly constantly swollen left foot is about 85% better.  I am grateful for this.  

It seems like now that we can't all go out to dinner, we have nothing to do and almost everyone is eating less, which is kinda funny.   We're going to work on a puzzle later.  These are exciting times.

Low Point

I feel like crying right now.  I miss food.  I can't believe I'm going to do this for six months.  What the hell is wrong with me for starting this?  I know, don't answer.... I know.

Lovely people on the Optifast FB page have told me that I'm not in Ketosis yet so I'm still hungry and that will go away.

Hurry, Ketosis, hurry.

I Survived: One Day Down

So it turns out that I need to take this minute by minute, not just day to day.  I doubt that I have been truly hungry at any time within the last three years, but today I made up for all that - I spent the day pretty much feeling hungry on and off all day.

I started out with the aforementioned coffee and vanilla shake mix... dear God that was disgusting.  Then moved on to the ready made chocolate... barely kept that down.  Then to the vanilla mix on it's own with water... I am now both nauseous and feel like viscous fluid is clogging my esophagus.  I don't like to feel my esophagus.  I'd rather be blissfully unaware of it.

Then, to my surprise, I blended strawberry mix with water and ice.. and we have a winner!  Who would have thought that strawberry, the red-headed step child of flavors,  would be the one for me?  I find it so much more subtle a taste, almost just like flavored water.  And I love to chew crushed ice (I read once that it's due to anemia, which I have), so it was as perfect as it can get for me.  I had another strawberry special later on, and that makes five shakes.  Dear Reader, I could not down another shake.  Please don't tell anyone and please gods of weight loss, please allow me not to suffer for it.  I did do my damnedest to take in the requisite 64 ounces of water with a small bit of diet coke in the mix.  I'm a world class water drinker, so it was not hard for me.  

I could not face cooking for my family, but I had my angelic fiancé here to cook and feed my two daughters, who are 10 and 14.  Also, they helped him clean up because I was afraid that I would end up licking the plates.  I really was hungry and tried to keep myself busy, but not busy enough.  I went on a few errands, but my physical limitations are still keeping me from doing what I would like to do, so I don't feel like I have a lot of options.  I nearly skipped out on dinner and went to the movies, but I muddled through.  The smell of homemade mashed potatoes was like a siren call, but one that I resisted.  Yay for me!

I do feel a little bit discouraged that it was such a hard day, but everyone tells me the hunger mostly goes away after three days, and that it does get easier.  My best Optifast friend, Joe, and I texted a lot today.  I really thank God for his support and constant encouragement and funny texts that helped me get through this day.  I am really relying on people like I don't usually like to do and it is very humbling and I feel guilty and yet I could not do it without them.  I also feel an obligation to not let them down.  

I  said in the beginning of this blog that I would probably uncover things about myself, and I think that I have just found out one reason why I overeat - not asking for help when I need it is not healthy for me.  I have no choice now so there you have it.  Cured by necessity.

I have survived day ONE.  And I'm proud of myself.  

A History of My Fat

Me relatively now - This was four months ago in December.  I don't recognize this person, to be honest.  To be fair, my hair is wet here, which doesn't help, but still...

Me, 1984 at my Senior Ball in college.  I thought I was chubby then.  But, recently we found this dress and my slim 14 year old daughter could not even zip it up, it was so tiny!  I am/was messed up.

Me in about 1983.  Once again, thought I was huge.  Maybe a little junk in the trunk, which will always just be me, however there was no JLo back in the day and it seemed nearly illegal to have a booty like that.

Traveling thru Europe for work, about 1989.  Wearing big jackets to cover up my butt.  But I felt pretty good by then.

At a friend's wedding, about 1990.  I was pretty happy with this weight, but I was constantly dieting and exercising.

At an event, 2009.  I am fatter than this now.  I still looked kinda cute here, tho.  This is gone, however.  

This was about 2007.  This is my short term goal.  To get back to this.  I am going to be freaking gorgeous, dear reader.  Mark my mother fucking words.  Gorgeous.  Capital G.