Waiting still...

Ok so I had to wait to be approved by my insurance, and now finally things are moving along.  Had an exercise evaluation last week, which pretty much just entailed taking my measurements, and next week is the stress test, followed the next week by a psych evaluation (Insert joke here), and then finally I can begin.  Seems that I will be on the full fast, shakes only, for about eight weeks, then to the moderate fast that includes bars and one meal... then adding food slowly until I am a skinny bitch on maintenance.  Sounds great to me.

I'm both anxious and excited still.  I feel more disabled by my weight than ever, and more willing to give up food after indulging these last few weeks in anticipation of my fast.  I keep telling my fiancé, 'I am going to be so gorgeous!', to which he smiles and nods sweetly and humorously.  Perfect response.

I am worried about the stress test since walking any distance results in lots of back pain due to my weight.  So, not sure how well I will do, or if I can even complete a stress test... tho maybe it will be on a bike?  Still lots of unknowns, but soon this too will be in the past and I will be facing my future as a healthier person.

I think ahead and ask myself how I will eat when this is all over - I like the idea of being a vegan or maybe that's too ambitious - perhaps just a vegetarian.  I would like to eat cleanly and simply.  We shall see...

I have rallied friends and family since I acknowledge that I will need a great deal of support and positivity surrounding me.  I am not sure I will get this from everyone, since this type of self improvement is sometimes disturbing to other people - I think it kicks up issues in their own lives so sometimes they are unwittingly negative.  I am prepared for that, however, and will attempt to remain aware and to not derail my own success due to anyone else's shit, basically. :)

Oh that reminds me of something - I have been told that I will be a little woozy or fatigued or forgetful or just generally fuzzy and 'out of it' during the full fast.  Not like I am not like that already... so there's that.  Hoping that I feel euphoric, as my friend, Steve, told me he feels when he fasts.  I'm up for a nice empty stomach high - that sounds pleasant.

All remains to be seen - I am reminded of a lovely quote in my new favorite book, The Fault In Our Stars, that says 'Life is not a wish-granting factory'.  No, it is not and I will just have to grant my own wishes.  Let's raise a glass to that!  Tho, of course I will not be drinking any alcohol on the plan.  Hmmm, a fast-induced high is sounding better and better...